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Thursday, June 09, 2005

God's thoughts

"I only want to know God's thoughts, the rest are Details"

-Albert Einstein

That beautiful quote is embedded in the poster that looks at me every time I'm on my therapy sessions. Psychotheraphy, you know. While my doctor and I keep tweaking inside my head, trying to protect what's working right and to defuse what's going wrong, the beady and somehow delusional eyes of the great Dr. Einstein look at me, soothing and reproachful at the same time.

Just so you know, I think it's going great. I've discovered that I seem to have pretty much the right attitude about life and all the bargain that comes along with it. And the greatest problems were the ones I suspected for a long time: a clear breach between the reality I could acomplish and the dream that everyone but me seemed to hope for (beginning with the usual suspects, my parents).

As I was about to leave the session and head for The Great Outside, my doctor looked and me and told me one last thing, as if reading my brainwaves "Don't do things you don't want to"

Let's isolate the phrase and watch it apart for a little while:

Don't do things you don't want to
So then I tried to do some of the things I wanted to. Which things you wonder?
I went to a chapel
That's right, you might at this point believe someone hacked my password and started defiling my precious, precious blog. But don't worry, dear reader. I indeed went to a chapel, and knelt there, and prayed.
You know, all the things that I've come to learn these last months have shown me clearly that God is there, just like a good teacher should be: not the soft pansy that forgives everything and pretends nothing is wrong, not the tyrant who will punish you for every little mistake. He will send you clear, explicit messages in the mouths and actions of such people as your friends, your parents and your everyday life, he will provide you with the understanding to separate the bullshit from the actual good stuff, and sometimes he will even let you get away with a real goof-up.
But eventually you come to learn the lessons you're meant to, and in the funniest and most ironic way possible; sometimes you have to impart the lesson you were told long time ago, but refused to learn because you were plainly stubborn to understand it.
Most people think that justice will be served when, after much struggling and toil, you stop learning these hard and cruel lessons inflicted most of the times by good -but quite idiotic- humans that live with us, and start getting it right with everyone and getting the things just the way you want them. Then you wake up one fine morning and discover that justice IS served when you become one of the idiots that HAS to inflict the hard and cruel lesson to some other poor S.O.B.
To put it simply, you think it will get fair when they stop shooting at you and can finally spend a day unharmed. But then you realize that it all gets even when you get the gun and have to shoot the poor bastard that now has that same look you wore yesterday, wondering when would it end.
And then, of course, you realize the only way to stop this madness is to drop the gun and run for the rainbow.
So then, I really wanted to thank God, I don't think I know his thoughts -does any of my students know mine?- but I start understanding the whole point of it, as much as I expect that my students in fact understand that the whole point of going through my grueling classes is to learn, damnit!!
But perhaps one thought that God does have is that lingering, almost secret phrase my doctor told me: "Don't do things you don't want to". I mean, I'm pretty sure at least God is pretty free to do whatever he goddamn pleases (there boys, how can you fit a blasphemy, an irony and a pun in the same phrase? Ask me!). And I've learned that when you keep on doing things you despise, you become really angry.
Now that we're here, let me tell you the only two times in this week I've done things I didn't want to: the first one was meeting with my very-recently-former-girlfriend for ice cream. I've finally cornered her harassing to the thursdays, and if she keeps being the pain in the butt she's become, I'll be forced to do another thing that I don't want to: tell her that I have as much desire to see her again as I want to have a splitting headache. The catch? One thing I will do once, but the other I'm doing every thursday.
Maria Fernanda, if you read this girl, I'm sorry to tell you, but GO AWAY!!! BE HAPPY SOMEWHERE ELSE!!! GO GO GO!!
The other thing was to hear one of my best friends tell me about her grrrreat sex session with another friend of mine. I know you're reading this, honey, and perhaps most people my age can hear for hours upon hours about how horny you guys were, and how many times you and he orgasmed, but I've become very sensitive about sex talk. Remember what I once told you, I know that everybody out there and even their sisters are having great daily sex while I have to be self-sufficient (so to speak), but I DON'T NEED TO BE REMINDED DAILY!!!!!!
Good, that's something else I did not wanting to, and it felt like shit.
But the rest of it was fine. Tomorrow I'll try to go out with this new girl (new for me but not for everyone else in my friends group is seems) and see if there's something coming up with her. If nothing clicks in place, I will try to party on saturday with yet another girl, and see if something clicks in place then. And if not I will try with someone else until finally I find at least someone I'll feel comfortable to go out with.
You see? I want to do that and it feels good! Just like I want to go tomorrow, play Magic and kick some butts. Just like I want to visit Sabine for ....Germany World Cup 2006!! How do you like that my friend? And just like I'd love to have a nice, sound humping with someone. But that my friends, will have to wait I guess ;-)
Don't forget it guys!! Enjoy yourselves and if you really don't have to do that thing that grinds you and makes you feel bad, then don't do it and...thank God for it.


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