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Monday, June 20, 2005

On winning and other special needs

Therapy is going fine guys, y'know? It seems as if I've been hiding most of me from myself, and now that I start discovering it, I'm feeling such a rush of power in me! It's like discovering the tip of an iceberg. and boy is it a HUGE iceberg!!

One of the things that I've come to accept is that I'm hooked onto competition. I dig competition, I live and breathe for competition. I am in many ways competing always, and is not competition for the sake of it.

I like to win.

There, I said it, I like to win. When I win I breathe relaxed, smile and shine like the sun for everyone. When I lose, I get anxious, I grimace and sulk and become like a black hole.

But the other thing that my therapist, me and my friends know is that I'm no fool either. In fact I'm pretty smart by all standards, and with that blessed intelligence I get to know that winning always is impossible, those who try to end up bitter and self-destructive quite quickly. So the "smart" thing to do would be to limit your areas of winning to a set of manageable ones, not ones where it would be too easy to win, nor ones where it would be fairly impossible.

So, in the end, the two fields where I want to win are the ones that give me the most satisfaction and the ones that show intelectual skill.

The intelectual skill one is easy: magic the gathering, but how about the satisfactory ones?

Well, I really like to win in the emotional area too!! And then is when conflicts came around.

High school was hell for many reasons, but one of the most traumatic was the conspiracy to tell me how I was so hopelessly ugly while the class goons were, of course, gourgeous and irresistible. At the time, to be honest, I had not enough knowledge nor enough self-esteem to discuss, only to yield. So it had to be right, and I dragged my "ugly duckling" trauma for almost 10 years....

Now that things are different, I get to see the truth. I was never a monster and those guys weren't so hot after all. In fact, they were pretty cruddy themselves...

After the test of years, I have to confess that one of them might have actually been handsome. But right now he is so fat light bends around him, and the other usual suspects, well...

* 2 Were really small (and I don't even want to start measuring between those dwarvish legs, guys)
* 2 had this sickly red patches on their cheeks (think Ronald Mc. Donald, there you go!)
* And the other 3 looked like they could rob you in a dark, moist corner.

The really good looking guys never bullied the others, and some in fact had the wisdom to leave my -ironically- God forsaken high school.

Mental note, hack the freakin' high-school site.

So the consequences is that I would just sit and watch as everyone just went and dated and had disastrous sex with the girls I was interested in. I believed I didn't stand a chance, and kept, in my inner victory-addict-self, losing and taking massive damage to the ego.

But in the late years I have to confess that, in spite of my best efforts to sabotage any girls' interest in me, I've seen quite a bit of action. And I've come to discover not only that I look kinda good, but that my personality and vision of life and skills and whatnot ACTUALLY make me a very interesting person.

So now, for the first time in my life, I feel on the winning side, emotionally and -why not- egotistically too. If I can't outrun other guys with my looks, I can get a lead with my intelligence, or with my natural personality, or if push comes to shove, with my mad pimipin' skillz. Now I feel decided, ruthless and empowered.

I feel like a badass!!

But badass or not, having to live and learn that love is not always about stats or clever plots, I have to accept not only that winning won't be that easy, but that I will sometimes do everything right and STILL lose.

This is me, and this is my time. And for once, I'd like to win. Bear with my cockiness, and thank you for reading.


  • At 12:45 AM, Blogger whyayay said…

    nice know u have 2 good luck on only one

  • At 11:24 AM, Blogger Dragon Mago said…

    Yep, you're right. This is gollum stuff, so I'll let mine out as well:

    As long as I'm lucky with anyone and don't ever again have to share what I'm proud to find


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