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Wednesday, July 20, 2005

For beginners, I'm alive. And then some...

Yep, I was feeling pretty self destructive last week, and it wasn't just a desperate gamble for attention, it was more a desperate call for ideas.

And thank you guys for some of them, they are actually making my life a lot more pleasant, not easier, mind you, just pleasant. In fact many things have happened in this week and I hope I can encompass them all in this entry:

1. THE DANCE OF LIFE
Are there anymore places where you can bet you'd never see ole Dragonmago ever again? Just when you could bet the guy would never be caught alive in a church, bam! he shows up and starts praying like it's judgment day. So a room full of old timers balding and gossiping like there's no tomorrow is no place for Mario? Wrong!! He even works there!

Ah!! but a place full of hippies drinking herbal tea, burning incense and talking about trips to India and fields of energy, now there's a place that will remain untouched by DM's foul footprints, right?

Right?

Well....

I was introduced to a funny concept called Biodance, a therapy system developed by a chilean psychologist who decided to fuse together classic psychotherapy, classic dance and alternative therapies such as tai-chi and energy fluxes. Yep, I know, it sounds more new age than a Kitaro record. And after much procrastination, I decided to give them a shot.

To make the story short, let's just say that the first therapy, two months ago, unleashed the many energies that in these few weeks led me to a new relationship, the therapyst couch, new friendships and even this blog right here. It was an identity workshop and it left me with a brand new toy called "self-esteem", a toy that I've had issues managing, but that is for the first time stable (if you check back on my posts, I have suffered in probably every aspect of my personality EXCEPT for my self esteem).

And last night it was a creativity workshop. It was intense and insightful but not as spectacular as the last one. However I believe that its results will surface over time, and some of its conclussions are quite showy on their own.

1. Biodance first principle is not to resurface any negative aspect of a person whatsoever, it will only work boosting the positive areas. So of course, you're forced to discover the positive areas of yourself you've been so willing to hide and deny.

2. For biodance to work you have to...well...dance. I have never been quite the dancer if my friends recall it, but after two sessions with these guys I have to face it: I like dancing, in fact, I can be pretty good at it and I feel the call of the floor to bust my moves. A new dawn of a dancing DragonMago approaches...

3. I, at the same time, fear and await with fiendish delight for the sensuality workshop. Those who have had the joy of dancing with their special one know the powerful bind that dance can create, and the heavy work done on insight and opening up can really break ice down. I tell you, there were points where pretty much every lady in the room was, so to speak, workable, and I could tell that a couple of them were eyeing me like a piranha looks at some roast beef. The catch? The ladies are quite grown up. While the first session there were a couple girls about my age, this time around it was all about the experience. The younger one must have been 35 years old, and the oldest lady could have been easily 60. Of course the mirror advantage is that I was one of two guys in the band. If the sensuality workshop -which should come around in like 6 months- happens to bring around a hot girl, there might be a story worth reading here folks!!

So, has the last workshop changed me? I dunno yet, put I'll keep you informed.

2. THE DEPARTURE OF A FRIEND

One of the perks of a high self esteem is the ability to meet new people. This last couple months I've become very close with my friend Lizzie, a tiny girl with a lot of qualities that sometimes surface in an outcast life -much like mine. Witty, sincere, funny, sexy, insightful and spontaneus are a few of the list of adjectives I could use on such a friend.

And well, she is back on the States to visit her family for a couple months at least, considering whether to come back or not because she's had some rough times in this tiny country, she's had a lot of emotional pitfalls (more on that later) and even her health has suffered because of it. And these last days the stability of her family has been shaken by a couple of very unfortunate events that I won't even mention here.

Liz, if you're reading this, I want you to know that I miss you lots, that I can always enjoy the company of such a good talker that will let me get some of my demons out while at the same time helping you to deal with your own brand of evils. I want you to know that I check often on your house, feeding your kitty and trying to get a little order around. I plan to sleep there at the very least a night every week and I will somehow purge that hamburger meat you made for your kitty long ago and now threatens to destroy your in-fridge biosphere.

I finally want you to know that if you decide to return, your crew is waiting here. You have someone here just for you.

And now Lizzie, is rant time:

3. THE NEW JEKYLLS AND HYDES

Ok, here I go my friend: you and Gendo are, quite possibly, two of the most extraordinary, caring and stable persons I've ever met, you both are quite something and I've come to appreciate a lot my time and friendship with any of you.

except...

when you two are together.

Excuse me, both of you my friends, but all the stability, the sense, the sensibility, and in general, the sanity you guys show on your normal life goes completely out of the window when you're together. Reason becomes madness, maturity becomes childishness, generosity becomes selfishness and harmony becomes hell. Suddenly the rational beings I admire and respect become completely alien, holding absurds arguments over the phone or face-to-face, squabbling over the most disparate and tiny conflicts, and generally shredding each other to pieces in front of all your friends, hurting yourselves and the ones that care about you in the whole bloody process.

I think someone might have told you already this, but if not, then it's my turn to speak. You guys are killing each other, literally. Your intentions don't matter anymore, you might try to be aggresive, gentle, vengeful, loving, rational, caring or even diplomatic with each other, but in the end you end up fighting, injuring and spooking the living shit out of yourselves and everyone around you.

Face it, you CAN'T be together now. Read this again, slowly and carefully, sans abbreviation:

YOU CAN NOT BE TOGETHER NOW
Stick that in your heads, this vicious cycle is not going to get better, just worse. I am not telling this out of some dark interest or desperation. I know where you've been, I lived such a scheme for over two years and I had to pull my shit together and break with her in such a way that there was no room for a comeback, pretty much risking our friendship and all that built in those two years. You might say it's not the same case and I agree, but the essence remains unchanged: two wonderful persons holding on to a relationship LONG due over, reluctant to leave a sunken ship that only keeps on dragging you deeper and deeper, and oblivious to the fact that as long as you keep on struggling to make this work, you are only sinking faster.
Liz, profit on this time with your family and your friends in Cali. Go around, listen to music, eat nice food, get that medical checkup ASAP, detox yourself a little from that good ol' Ecuadorian tobacco and relax those strung nerves. And don't call G in these two months, at all. Get him out of your system, I'm not saying forever, but you must completely rebuild your relationship with him. Scrap the old scheme, it just won't work. Live and enjoy.
G; get out. Seriously, get to meet people, dude, get laid, share some coffees, share some sunsets, open up man!! Live your freakin' life!! If that doesn't work, well, look for yourself, you're a beautiful person that has stashed himself away behind a monstruous frontend created with false hopes and bullshit that belongs to everyone but you. You need therapy? I know where to get it. You need to talk to someone? talk to me, but don't talk to Liz, not because she doesn't love you. EXACTLY because she loves you and you love her you can't afford the luxury of talking to her.
One of you has to have the gills to break this fucking circle, better if it's both of you. You might think that there might be a way around it yet. Face it: there isn't a way around, just a way out. You guys need a break, a long one. Think a semester.
Ok, I'm done, sorry for poking my nose on this, but the truth is that it's getting so big it's starting to get in my space and everyone else's.
4. SORRY VAL, I'M A CRETIN
Not much story here, I deeply apologize for being such an ass today girl. I sometimes can't help but to be a minefield, but I shouldn't explode in every step you take. I love you, a bit too much in fact, and sometimes I can't stand to see you living such a nice relationship with someone that could have been me. I've put a lot of dirt between you and me, but it's still not enough. I'm trying to walk out of you, but until my new efforts bring any success, please bear with me. And handle me with extreme precaution.
********
That's all. Stand up and move. Thank me lat8r.

1 Comments:

  • At 1:52 PM, Blogger KittyKat said…

    Hi, you know this blogspot is helping you a lot, maybe people can't see it, but I can, through this way you've purged all the shit that was burried inside you, and that is a good step, you might have to walk more steps. Anyway, How are you?? I'm fine, still looking for a job, so i can finally pay you back. I hope you are ok, just try not to damage yourself, not good, you know.
    If you talk to Liz tell her that I miss her too, and I miss you too.
    Ok, bye ATT: Kitty

     

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