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Monday, September 19, 2005

Now for a rollercoaster ride!

Ggaaah! This is one of the most difficult entries for me to write, because I've been, so to speak, under new management for a while now.

I used to think I was a pretty sensible person, in fact most people would agree. But in these last two weeks I've really come to discover what it's like to actually be commanded by your feelings. And let me tell you, those who haven't done this are missing one heck of a beautiful -and yet at the same time horrifying-experience.

My therapist has made a point on making me realize that I've been a person highly dominated by my super-ego, the intelectual megalomaniac we all host inside our heads. This little bastard has been suffocating the id, the erotic and primal force that fuels any human's existence while the ego -the counseling force that tries to manage the other two without destroying the whole house in the process- has been trying to bring back some balance. So the assignment has been to, pretty much, let rational thought go to hell for a while while the emotions and passions run the business for a while.

And well, the circumstances presented these troublesome parts that make up my personality with the perfect situation to feel a little more. And friends, have I been FEELING lately...

Let me tell you, one thing is to see reality from the safe distance of a purely rational look, calculating strategies, measuring consequences, comparing and sometimes even making fun of those obviously making sub-par decisions. Pretty much every situation and drama, no matter how far it is, becomes a matter of planning and execution.

And a wholly different matter is to live that same realities through your feelings, especially when you start to realize you're a total newbie in their safe use. Suddenly every small detail becomes critical and every second becomes meaningful. Thought makes you a useless god, feeling makes you an allmighty ant. There has been times these past few days where many feelings have coursed through my body, some of them contradictory. Love, hate, illusion, deceit, anger, frustration, happiness, hope, despair, worry, bliss....they were so intense I would sit on a couch, hugging myself with my eyes looking nowhere while I mumbled nonsense, trying to get a grip on myself.

There was an episode where I could be found hugging my stereo, tears trickling down my cheeks as the chords of Gershwin's Rhapsody in Blue kept on pumping through the speakers. I cannot even be ALLOWED near a guitar in a group of people because I might induce my friends to instant depression.

As I write these lines it would seem like my ego is finally back in line, taking control of the situation. I feel cool, positive and stable. I am still a bit fragile though, a song here or a commentary there or even something as petty as a little bird trapped in my mother's room can send me overdrive.

But I can say that, for the time being at least, I've stepped out of the rollercoaster wagon. If God has decided to deliver a little of his infinite mercy on us, this week will be a relaxed, non-epic, maybe even insignificant lapse of time in my life.

There's still difficult times ahead, but if the powers that be let me (well, her too) have a little time out, we can gather courage to fight the tide again.

In the meantime, enjoy your routines my friends. And smile, life can be beautiful even at its most boring points.

Love you all.

Mario.

1 Comments:

  • At 2:43 PM, Blogger lilruff said…

    Perfect Situation

    What's the deal with my brain?
    Why am I so obviously insane?
    In a perfect situation
    I led love down the drain

    There's the pitch, slow and straight
    All I have to do is swing and I'm a hero
    But I'm a zero

    Hungry nights once again
    Now it's getting unbelievable
    Cause I could not have it better
    But I just can't get no play

    From the girls all around
    As they search the night
    For someone to hold on to
    And just pass through

    Singin'
    Oh-oh
    Oh-oh

    Get your hands off the girl
    Can't you see that she belongs to me?
    And I don't appreciate this
    Excess company

    Though I can't satisfy
    All the needs she has
    And so she starts to wander
    Can you blame her?

    Singin'
    Oh-oh
    Oh-oh

    Tell me there's a logic out there
    Leading me to better prepare
    For the day that something really special might come

    Tell me there's some hope for me
    I don't want to be lonely
    For the rest of my days on the earth

    Oh-oh
    Oh-oh

    Singin'
    Oh-oh
    Oh-oh

    Love YOu lots Perfect Situations try not to let them pass.

     

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