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Monday, September 26, 2005

Calm, fitter, happier...

I've got something to say:

I'm feeling fine, I've acquired a sense of inner calm and balance that comes from many understanding friends, the dedicated work of my counselors and family and the love from my girl.

So for the time being, there are no apocalypses or typhoons to be seen around. It's not that everything is perfect, but I've never, ever, felt better to face life's trials. I do a lot of things and some of them I do real good, specially the ones I really care about, and I'm proud of it, of myself and of the people that surrounds me.

So instead of writing forever, I post here a song, originally composed by Crowded House and recently covered by Sixpence none the richer. I dedicate it to you, my dear, but I also post it for anyone willing to fight for their lives and loves.

Crowded House

There is freedom within, there is freedom without
Try to catch the deluge in a paper cup
There's a battle ahead, many battles are lost
But you'll never see the end of the road
While you're traveling with me

Hey now, hey now
Don't dream it's over
Hey now, hey now
When the world comes in
They come, they come
To build a wall between us
We know they won't win

Now I'm towing my car, there's a hole in the roof
My possessions are causing me suspicion but there's no proof
In the paper today tales of war and of waste
But you turn right over to the T.V. page

Now I'm walking again to the beat of a drum
And I'm counting the steps to the door of your heart
Only shadows ahead barely clearing the roof
Get to know the feeling of liberation and relief

Hey now, hey now
Don't dream it's over
Hey now, hey now
When the world comes in
They come, they come
To build a wall between us
Don't ever let them win

Monday, September 19, 2005

Now for a rollercoaster ride!

Ggaaah! This is one of the most difficult entries for me to write, because I've been, so to speak, under new management for a while now.

I used to think I was a pretty sensible person, in fact most people would agree. But in these last two weeks I've really come to discover what it's like to actually be commanded by your feelings. And let me tell you, those who haven't done this are missing one heck of a beautiful -and yet at the same time horrifying-experience.

My therapist has made a point on making me realize that I've been a person highly dominated by my super-ego, the intelectual megalomaniac we all host inside our heads. This little bastard has been suffocating the id, the erotic and primal force that fuels any human's existence while the ego -the counseling force that tries to manage the other two without destroying the whole house in the process- has been trying to bring back some balance. So the assignment has been to, pretty much, let rational thought go to hell for a while while the emotions and passions run the business for a while.

And well, the circumstances presented these troublesome parts that make up my personality with the perfect situation to feel a little more. And friends, have I been FEELING lately...

Let me tell you, one thing is to see reality from the safe distance of a purely rational look, calculating strategies, measuring consequences, comparing and sometimes even making fun of those obviously making sub-par decisions. Pretty much every situation and drama, no matter how far it is, becomes a matter of planning and execution.

And a wholly different matter is to live that same realities through your feelings, especially when you start to realize you're a total newbie in their safe use. Suddenly every small detail becomes critical and every second becomes meaningful. Thought makes you a useless god, feeling makes you an allmighty ant. There has been times these past few days where many feelings have coursed through my body, some of them contradictory. Love, hate, illusion, deceit, anger, frustration, happiness, hope, despair, worry, bliss....they were so intense I would sit on a couch, hugging myself with my eyes looking nowhere while I mumbled nonsense, trying to get a grip on myself.

There was an episode where I could be found hugging my stereo, tears trickling down my cheeks as the chords of Gershwin's Rhapsody in Blue kept on pumping through the speakers. I cannot even be ALLOWED near a guitar in a group of people because I might induce my friends to instant depression.

As I write these lines it would seem like my ego is finally back in line, taking control of the situation. I feel cool, positive and stable. I am still a bit fragile though, a song here or a commentary there or even something as petty as a little bird trapped in my mother's room can send me overdrive.

But I can say that, for the time being at least, I've stepped out of the rollercoaster wagon. If God has decided to deliver a little of his infinite mercy on us, this week will be a relaxed, non-epic, maybe even insignificant lapse of time in my life.

There's still difficult times ahead, but if the powers that be let me (well, her too) have a little time out, we can gather courage to fight the tide again.

In the meantime, enjoy your routines my friends. And smile, life can be beautiful even at its most boring points.

Love you all.


Tuesday, September 13, 2005

Dead Ebb

I bet every one of you has been at a party where things get pretty exciting and there's fine music, the peeps get crazy and everyone seems to be having a heck of a time.

Then, I dunno, people starts leaving, or gets generally drunk, or the music sucks like an electrolux, up until the point where everyone is laying in a heap in the middle of the living room, wishing they were somewhere else, or dead, or a combination of the two.

That's what I call a Dead Ebb. And I'm just dragging my life through one as I write these words.

I think it's gonna be a pretty short one, mind you, but still, it just feels deadly quiet around here.

Dead Ebbs 101, how to get to one

The way I see it, you can end up on a dead ebb if any of the following conditions are met:

1 You accomplish a rather large objective, and are done with the celebrations.
2 You accomplish the first stage of an even larger objective, realizing you'll need to work your ass out to get to the second or third one.
3 You have to accomplish an objective that you don't really feel like getting to.
4 No matter what you do, your life might be utterly affected by decisions beyond your reach or people beyond your knowledge....while you have to stand there and take it.
5 You had a specially stressful time, survived it, and now wonder where the fuck to stuff all the excess adrenaline.

If these conditions combine, you're in for a helluva dead ebb.

Now let's get to my case:

* I won the magic nationals, and I'm well done with the partying. 1.
* I finally got the magic to work and started dating the mighty DragonSlayer. And man am I happy about it. However, let's say that things got complicated for factors outside the both of us and we have a long and windy road ahead of us. Number 2 it is.
* Ack! the cursed thesis work! Now I have the time and I'd even say the motivation to finish it, but dude! BOOOORING!! Scratch it for number 3
* As much as DS and I like each other, mighty forces are clashing all around us, and our relationship might be endangered because of people and decisions that have nothing to do with the relationship itself. Besides, I quit my work as a teacher for the Javeriana University, which is good because it was becoming friggin' hell, but bad because I'll have to find another source for continuous income or keep it up hard with the freelancin' Double score for number 4.
* And finally, I just, well, crept out of what was quite possibly the most stressful weekend of my life (add Monday to the mix, this monday was a week long, believe me) and it was one fucking rough ride. My therapist did a beautiful job on cleaning most of the demons that appeared, so good in fact that this relax I feel now is almost unnatural compared to the unadulterated schyzophrenia I endured those days. Score for number 5

And there's many other things too, you know that feeling you get when it seems like you're finally close to get something, and then you realize you might have to wait for more than half a year for it? It's bad my fellas, bad bad bad. Worst of it all is knowing that the waiting is going to be all worth it, but still you wonder what the fuck are you going to do in the meantime.

Heh, the funny thing is that you had full access to it like a couple months ago, and threw it away, because it was too horrifying to keep on taking it.

Even funnier, If I had to choose it all again, in full knowledge of what was going to come and its consequences, I'd choose this way again and again and again.

That's right my dear, you read well, I'd choose you time after time.

So, let's hope for the best, for we've played our cards the best. You always fall on your feet and I'm learning to do so myself.